Kids Acting Out for the Holidays? How Parents Can Reset Expectations and Reduce Stress

The holidays promise magic, but for many families, the season of joy arrives with a side of meltdowns, mood swings, and pressure to make everything “perfect.”

Parenting experts say the emotional turbulence so many households experience this time of year is not only common, its predictable, which is good news for helping parents prepare.

“Kids can have behavioral problems during the holidays because they become overstimulated by all the excitement and anticipation, which can lead to meltdowns or irritability,” says Dr. Gail Saltz, Clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the New York Presbyterian Hospital, Weill-Cornell Medical College and a psychoanalyst with the New York Psychoanalytic Institute.

“They may feel disappointed when something doesnt match their fantasy or wish list, resulting in crying, tantrums, anger, or behavior that can sound spoiled. They may demand things that are simply too much because they dont yet understand those limits. Some children also regress in their behavior because, despite the fun, the holidays can be stressful, especially for parents, and kids often pick up on that stress,” Saltz says.

“Overall, parents can help by talking ahead of time about the tone of the holidays, setting reasonable expectations, and encouraging a focus on gratitude for what they have rather than on more things they want,” she says. “Its also important not to overdo the company and hoopla, so kids have enough downtime to self-regulate and soothe themselves.”

That sudden lack of school structure and familiar daily routines is one of the most common reasons young children struggle during December, says Allie Klein, co-founder of Charmspring.

​​“Without school rhythms, children can feel unsettled, which often shows up as big feelings or challenging behaviors,” Klein said.

“Even if your childs day does not look the same as it does during the school year, you can bring a gentle rhythm to home days with a visual schedule,” she says. “Use a tool, like the Springboard, to outline the days activities with your child. As you do, talk together about when special holiday moments will happen, such as decorating the tree or visiting relatives. Children thrive on predictability and visibility, so when they know what to expect, even and especially when it is different from their norm, it helps them stay regulated.”

Adding to the chaos is a quieter struggle: the expectation many parents place on themselves to engineer a magical holiday.

“One of the biggest challenges parents face during the Christmas season is the pressure to create a perfect holiday. Perfect gifts, perfect outings, perfect memories. That pressure can quickly turn something joyful into something overwhelming,” Klein says.

“A helpful shift is to focus less on perfection and more on simple, meaningful moments. Kids do not remember the flawlessly wrapped presents or the elaborate plans. They remember how the season felt,” she said.

Klein suggested simple, low-pressure ways to bring holiday magic into the everyday, like making tree-shaped pancakes with berry or chocolate-chip ornaments; leaving a trail of paper stars leading to a favorite reading nook with a basket of winter or holiday stories; or a family decorating session using whatever festive arts and crafts materials you have on hand.

Parents also worry about how their children will react to gifts, especially when relatives expect overly enthusiastic thank-yous. Klein urges families to release that pressure.

“As the holidays approach, many parents begin to dread the awkwardness that can come with gift giving. Will our children seem rude or disinterested when opening gifts from well-meaning relatives?” she says. “It helps to remember that children do not need to perform gratitude or offer an elaborate reaction for every gift they receive. A simple smile paired with a sincere thank you is a meaningful and developmentally appropriate way for young children to express appreciation.”

But lessons in gratitude — and generosity — can become more relevant as children reach their tween years according to Peter Shankman, entrepreneur and bestselling author of “Faster Than Normal: Unlocking the Gifts of the ADHD Brain” and “The Boy With the Faster Brain.”

“The biggest problem I face as a single parent to a 12-year-old girl is that she wants everything. As all kids do. They want every single toy, every single piece of makeup, every single perfume, whatever,” Shankman says.

“One of the things I try and do is teach her that the holidays are about giving, not receiving. So while she might get a couple of gifts, we also spend at least two evenings this month volunteering. Either at a homeless shelter, or a food bank, or soup kitchen, something like that,” he says. “The goal being to understand that the real value in receiving, comes from giving. Not just one or the other.”