holly-madison-playboy-hugh-hefner-girlfriend-secret-pain-past-1
After spending years being part of the
Playboy Mansion,
Holly Madison, 35, is finally exposing her secret struggle back when she was
Hugh Hefner's girlfriend. Especially the moment she knew she had to plan her escape.
Photo credit: Getty/Splash
holly-madison-playboy-hugh-hefner-girlfriend-secret-pain-past-2
"The Mansion was all about conformity and following the rules. I didn't like being a clone," Holly told
PEOPLE magazine.
Photo credit: Getty Images
holly-madison-playboy-hugh-hefner-girlfriend-secret-pain-pas4
Holly admits that she was convinced to move into the Playboy Mansion when she was only 20 years ago, where she would soon turn into another girlfriend for Hugh, who was 74 at the time.
Photo credit: Splash News
holly-madison-playboy-hugh-hefner-girlfriend-secret-pain-past-11
Photo credit: Getty Images
holly-madison-playboy-hugh-hefner-girlfriend-secret-pain-past-5
So when Hugh's two other girlfriends,
Kendra Wilkinson and
Bridget Marquardt, decided to move out of the mansion, Holly admitted she was finally getting Hugh all to herself.
Photo credit: Getty Images
holly-madison-playboy-hugh-hefner-girlfriend-secret-pain-past-7
But the feeling quickly faded when Holly recounts that she "started seeing Hef's true colors" and "couldn't make excuses for him anymore."
Photo credit: Getty Images
holly-madison-playboy-hugh-hefner-girlfriend-secret-pain-past-3
"I was miserable. But I couldn't leave, because I felt like I'd be so judged for having lived there. I had a huge scarlet letter on my forehead," she said.
Photo credit: Splash News
holly-madison-playboy-hugh-hefner-girlfriend-secret-pain-pas6
"He accused me of cheating on him — and I didn't. I realized how much he loved the drama and I was like, I can't do this. I woke up one day and it was as if the spell was broken. I had to run," Holly claimed.
Photo credit: Splash News
holly-madison-playboy-hugh-hefner-girlfriend-secret-pain-past-8
When Hugh and Holly broke up in 2008, she told the publication that it was like starting her life and career from scratch. "I was never ready to answer questions about my past and that made relationships really tricky. I was embarrassed — it was like the elephant in the room."
Photo credit: Splash News
holly-madison-playboy-hugh-hefner-girlfriend-secret-pain-past-10
But
Holly wed her husband in 2013, which changed life for the former
Girls Next Door reality star — especially later giving birth to her daughter,
Rainbow. "I definitely had a period of time where I thought, I'm going to have to be happy without that picture of marriage and family. I felt completely alone."
Photo credit: Getty Images